Asshats in MOBAs: The Gamer Personalities That Make You Question Humanity

author image by [G³] | GAMES | 1 Comment | 14 Jan 2016

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Throughout your adventures in the Nexus, you most likely have come ascross at least one of these types of gamers. In Heroes of the Storm, you and four allies work together to achieve objectives and ultimately, take out the enemy’s core to win the title of true bad ass-ness. Unfortunately, your efforts at attaining glory will be thwarted if one of the five character types makes a guest appearance on your team.

1. The Rager a.k.a The Banshee
Making a mistake will turn into your worst nightmare with this teammate, especially if you’re on teamspeak. Turn down the volume before this Banshee gets to shrieking about your catastrophic fuck-up, which, in all honesty, probably wasn’t that big of a deal. But to him, everything you do is a mistake. Of course, the Banshee can do no wrong, for he is perfection on a golden pedestal. Everyone else on the team might as well be the ugly stepchild, or the black sheep. Basically, all of you have the worst ideas and are completely incompetent. Unfortunately, your mistake made at the beginning of the game will be bitched about throughout the entire match and every hiccup along the way of course was caused by the first “disaster”.

2. The Keyboard Warrior
Like the banshee, everything is your fault but the warrior doesn’t have the balls to outright accuse you of being the weak link. Instead, this teammate will type passive aggressive comments throughout the game. These comments may include: “facepalm”, “uhh…guys??”, and then there’s the dreaded “…?” Don’t expect any good plays from the Warrior. He has nothing to contribute except for snarky remarks.

3. The Lone Wolf a.k.a Dora the Explorer
The Lone Wolf likes to take time to smell the roses, maybe face-check a couple bushes and then eventually, mosey on to kill a minion or two while the team is fighting to the death over objectives. You may repeadly ask, “where the hell is he??” to get his attention, but he will have no idea who or what you are talking about. However, he will tell you that no one is in the bush in the middle lane, no worries! His crowning achievement will be soloing boss and dying for it. And of course, he will have a valid excuse as to why this was necessary. And then once he comes back to life, he’s going back to smelling the roses on the opposite end of the map, even though he has no map awareness.

4. The Attention Whore a.k.a 420 Blaze It Up!
The 420 Blaze It is the internet gangster who will be quoting rap lyrics and bragging about his hella dope kush in the middle of calling out team strats. Homie G over here wants you all to know that he is high as a kite, so when he makes a mistake you can’t blame him. It was the weed! And to solidify this argument, you’ll hear a string of bong rips on the mic with the sweet sounds of Wiz Khalifa in the background.

5. My Way or the Highway a.k.a The Prophet
In addition to trying to shot-call the entire game, this teammate will try to micro-manage every single member of the team on positioning, talent choices, team colors, skins, mounts, color coordinations, snacks eaten during the game….and the list never ends! No matter what hero he plays, he is the leader. When he pings or makes a comment, you better show up and suit up or else that asshole will dive into a team fight, regardless of whether or not his team has caught with him and yes, if he dies, it is all your fault. If you would have only opened your eyes to the holy truth, everything would have gone accordingly. He can see the future.

6. Stretch Armstrong the Over-Extender a.k.a Leeroy Jenkins

Conservative playstyle is rewarded in any MOBA. If you reach your hand out you just might find it getting slapped. Map awareness breeds success and always knowing when to be weary can make the difference between victory and defeat. That’s all bullshit to Stretch Armstrong. He’ll 1v1 you irl at the drop of a hat, and his headphones magically stop working the second a call to retreat is made. In his eyes every sight of an enemy is a personal mama insult, and every game played with him on your team turns into Smash Bros Melee. But when your Stretch dives in only to get prison sex and winds up getting your entire team trying to save him, all he can say is…

“At least I have chicken”.

Unfortunately, there is no cure for the likes of these characters. There is, however, a block button and a mute button. We are still waiting on the patch fix to purge these fools. In the meantime, when you roll your eyes, just try not to get them stuck.

-SlimVixxen and Texecutioner

  • author image
    MonkBird Reply
    Jan 20, 2016 @ 23:39 pm

    Overall a very intelligent, but funny read. I have actually witnessed a combination of #s 1 and 5 put together during the “best and least salty modes to play in” yup, you guessed it. Hero league….

    During a match on The Cursed Hollow me and a friend enountered such vermin and you may even take this as an addition to this calling it #7, which may in fact, be possibly worse than some of the above.

    Right at the beginning of the match after our team successfully captured the first tribute, twiddle dee and twiddle dumb thought it would be a genious idea to run to THEIR BOSS and attempt a capture while we are level 6-8.

    Of course, it is never a good idea to do this as any new players may guess and when myself, my friend, and the other player kindly objected to doing this they resulted to dance in the nexus for the rest of the match while letting us know roughly 25 different reasons as to why we belong in vs ai.

    Too long; didn’t read version: fuck nexus pole dancers.

    *Note: a boss at this level may not even get past one tower, implying we successfully kill it. This was also before the new death timer updates that mase them longer early game.

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